Ah, this does sound familiar. I was put in ballet classes briefly
around age 6, in an optimistic attempt to get me some semblance of
coordination and grace. The only thing I remember from those classes
was an exercise where we had to run around the room kicking our heels
against our bums. A quarter of a century later, I still feel like
that’s about the extent of my elegance.

Like you, I sometimes think I missed something about femininity along
the line. From about grade 9 on, most of my friends have been male. I
usually seem to have one or two close female friends but never a gaggle
of girls to bond with. My daily make-up routine clocks at about 5
minutes, maybe 10 if it’s a special occasion; I’ve never understood why
so many women supposedly take an hour to get ready in the morning.
What are they doing? Are they laughing at me because I forgot a step?

I see a lot of blog posts pondering what it means to be female, and how
we function in a male-oriented society, and I draw a blank. I’m happy
to be female. But I just am what I am. I don’t know how to define
womanness, but it seems like we’re all expected to explain ourselves.
I’d rather just *be*, and not get too hung up on the whole thing.

Julie, you are not alone. Perhaps most of the women I
know would be equally clueless about these matters. I
tend to get along with them better. Who are they
though? You’ve mentioned some of the characteristics,
but they lack a name. “Tomboy” isn’t it. I have
tried calling you a “nerd” before:
http://www.julieleung.com/archives/001365.html

What you are describing here isn’t quite nerd-ness.
It has similar characteristics. It is different in a
way we secretly feel is better. It causes problems on
those occasions on which we wish to fit in. It is
also different from just being a nerd. It is gender
specific and is characterized by an indifference* to
the slew of characteristics of womanhood described in
this post and the one linked to in the prior
paragraph. If you could come up with a name for these
people and a description that resonates with them, you
might create a phenomenon!

* “Indifference” should be distinguished from
“rejection.” A rejection of traditional
characteristics is nothing new. The nonjudgmental
indifference you use distinguishes the women I refer to.

My daughter, now 16, happily likes her girly self and her athletic self, and sees no reason to chose between the two.

I am not sure why a ballet recital requires makeup. But a performance surely would require stage makeup — to overcome the distance, to make the face real at a distance.

Being able to contain one’s long hair into a tidy round knob is a good skill, not necessarily girly. Mine’s as long as it was in 1968 — no reason, I just like it long.