JulieLeung.com: a life told in tidepools

Maryam described shopping with Robert. (I’m long overdue a link to her excellent new blog!)

He won’t wear the $250 Italian Cashmere Sweater, because it’s itchy.

He will wear out the cheap t-shirt he got at his last geek conference, because it’s comfy.

I had to smile. My husband dreads shopping. He’s posted that he hates it (insert Gollum’s voice…). But recently he’s realized he needs to find some new threads. His current selection of clothes in the closet is becoming a bit threadbare. As he posted, it’s difficult for him to find clothes that fit. The other night I scrolled through numerous catalog entries, searching for “xtra-small” options. The only one I found, in an entire section of men’s shirts, turned out to be nonexistent.

Like Robert, Ted likes casual clothes, often adorned with geek logos. He wears his Apache fleece coat over his OSAF, Newton and PyCon T-shirts. It’s difficult to convince him to dress up just for fun.

But I don’t mind that he’s comfortable in casual clothes. I think he’s cute whatever he’s wearing. And I like it that he’s a simple guy. If he wants to wear his free T-shirts, well, then that fits well into our budget, a concern for our growing family of five. More money for my wardrobe then! 🙂 Or perhaps it means we have more money to buy hardware and gadgets to accessorize his jeans + T-shirts outfits!

Related links: Ted’s previous posts on Obsolete Software T-Shirt Day and Catching up, or I hate shopping

And please go read more of Maryam’s writings!

Michaela took a picture of the screen

Okay, I’m exaggerating. This is only the book every parent wants.

Okay, take that back too. Perhaps it’s only the book that every geek parent wants.

Nat Torkington posted

I want software and a book that’ll help me get my 4-6 year old kids into programming. Gerv wants something similar but for twelve year olds. In my best of all possible worlds, there’d be an O’Reilly Radar reader out there with kids who wants to teach them how to program.

Robert Scoble has asked in previous posts how to help his son become interested in programming.

This is the book everyone seems to want. Every geek parent that is.

I’m not in any position to pen this prescription. As Ted emphasized, it would be best if the one who writes such a book has already succeeded in such an endeavor. All our girls know so far is how to draw shapes with a simple python turtle program. And that happens only if they can figure out how to get past the password dialogue box and spell commands correctly.

And even if our daughters, all three, were happily hacking away (on Open Source, what else?!) as their favorite hobby in high school, I would still be reluctant to write a book telling others how to repeat our experience in their own families.

Perhaps I’m jaded. The other day I picked up a homeschooling book, one I’d heard mentioned many times, needing inspiration, and was disillusioned to discover that at least the opening chapters were filled with the father’s descriptions of his two prodigies who begged for violins at 14 months and sang Handel’s Messiah perfectly the first time without any vocal training. How is that helpful or even encouraging to me?

As a home educator, I’ve read and seen enough to know that not every book or theory works for every family. Each child is different. Each personality, both parent and progeny, plays a part in the mix. Each family has circumstances and factors of its own. In the education lists I read, no sooner does one parent make a suggestion, then another parent pipes up and says “that didn’t work for us.”

While on the one hand I would welcome any book that helped children learn how to program, I fear for the one who writes it. Already it seems there are many expectations. Many parents who hope such a book would help bring their child into the world of technology.

Yet each child is different. What makes one kid’s heart sing might make another’s stomach puke. What turns one kid on might turn another off. There is no magic formula. There’s no way to guarantee geekiness can be transferred via DNA. But I imagine someone may be working on that one…

This is a problem many parents face, not only hackers. How can I get my child interested in X?! Maybe it’s music. Maybe it’s the family business. Maybe it’s football. Millions of dollars a year are poured into this dilemma. I speak from personal experience, as a recipient of some of these well-intended funds.

From where I am as a parent, it seems there are a few clear choices. If the parent wants the child to be interested in X, then the parent should be interested in X. And the parent should try to find X-related activities that might interest the child.

But no matter how great a part X is in the family life, the relationship between parent and child should be greater. Above all, the mother and father should try to build a strong relationship with their children. As a side benefit of the bond, the more a child’s heart is open to the parents, the higher probability the child may be interested in what the parents like.

That last statement may smack of insincerity and so I must emphasize the need for honesty, authenticity and acceptance in the relationship. So far, from my experience as both a child and a parent, I think some of the most difficult struggles for family relationships come from parents and children learning to accept each other as they each are. Especially as mothers and fathers, we need to release our children and allow them to become whoever they were meant to become whether or not that is who we imagined them to be. It’s a wild balance of finding the “angel in the marble”.

Sometimes from birth, even from conception, our children defy our expectation and begin to break out of the boxes where we want to place them. It’s not wrong to want our kids to enjoy amazing aspects of what we call life. It’s good for kids to learn how to program computers. But I think it can be hazardous to a family’s health for parents to put too much hope in their children becoming hackers. Or to put hope in a publication. A book is only a book.

But I hope someone – or more than one someone – writes Hacking for Kids. When O’Reilly publishes the book, I’ll pick up a copy. And I’ll teach my kids some programming (or probably Ted will). But I won’t hold my breath, waiting for them to become hackers. Instead I’ll be breathlessly watching to celebrate whatever butterfly emerges from this cocoon called childhood.

Postscript:

Here’s a book idea that interests me. Instead of Hacking for Kids, or in addition to it, interview a number of people who became hackers when they were children, and compile their various experiences, advice and opinions into a book. I’d like to read that one too.

Sometimes I forget I live in a small town. For example, when I start dancing in the baking aisle of T&C while searching for cookie cutters, swaying my hips and singing along to Madonna’s True Love on the background music – and then I stop myself, hoping no one saw me. You didn’t, did you? Good.

But sometimes it’s easy to feel the size of our little city. A trip to a restaurant or store becomes an accidental intersection. Anonymity is not an option. You never know who you’ll see or who will see you. You might dine with the mayor (as Chris Holmes did last week) or see the other candidate for mayor at the T&C (as we did last week) or run into another blogger (as Chris and I did once at Safeway).

I especially feel the fears and suffocation in our community as I see more bloggers and writers in the Buzz comments choosing not to use their own names.

Last week I received an email from “anonymous@anonymous.com” forwarding an article from the Kitsap Sun.

New Bainbridge blogger Making Trouble explained the choice to blog under a pseudonym, especially when writing about the Bainbridge Island Youth Soccer Club (BIYSC):

Bainbridge is a pretty angry place. Oh, sure, there is a lot of smiling and happiness, but I sense an undercurrent of anger, resentment, and insecurity running through the place. I am not saying that we are bad people. What I am saying is that I have glimpsed something terrifying about some of the parents on this Island, especially those involved with sports. I’ve talked with other parents on the island who have kids in various sports and they agree.

Let me give you an example and you, dear reader, tell me whether I am wrong: If someone were to stand up in public and criticize the BIYSC, that person will be called (1) anti-child, (2) anti-family, (3) anti-American, (4) anti-equality, and (5) closed-minded. How pleasant do you think it would be for me to go to Safeway or T&C? If you don’t believe me, take an unpopular stand and enjoy the ride.

I confess I was surprised and disappointed when anonymous bloggers began appearing on Bainbridge. I blog because I want to build relationships with people. If no one knows who I am, I can’t get to know anyone else. Likewise, if I don’t know who the blogger is, I know we’ll never meet. And I’ve had fun meeting some of the others who are burning midnight oil typing away on the keyboards late at night.

But I understand Making Trouble’s concerns. There are topics I choose to avoid, words I decide not to say because I live in a small town. Bainbridge has its blinders. We talk tolerance but don’t live it quite as well as we say we do. It seems suffocating at times. Sometimes the only way out is a pseudonym.

While commenting on a recent ruling in Delaware that protected the identity of an anonymous blogger, Dan Gillmor wrote

That said, I’m not a fan on anonymous sniping from the cyber-bushes, as the person in this case seems to have been. People should stand behind their words in all but the most limited circumstances, such as when their lives might be endangered if their identities were disclosed.

We allow pseudonyms in the comments here, but we also require a valid e-mail address before anyone can post a comment. (We ask for real names in blog postings.) For the most part people behave in a civil manner.

On sites where totally anonymous posts are allowed, I give such postings a minus credibility rating. That is, I start off disbelieving everything these folks say, and unless they provide direct evidence for their claims I assume they’re false.

If a totally anonymous poster starts off with, say, -10 credibility points, people who post under a pseudonym start off at zero on this scale. They may earn some points over time, but they have to persuade me.

People who use their real names start off with positive credibility ratings. They have to make serious mistakes of fact to lose my trust.

I share some of Dan’s concerns. How much do I believe what Making Trouble is posting? How do I know to trust this blogger? According to Dan Gillmor’s credibility point scale, we’re starting in negative territory. Now that Making Trouble has posted some accusations/evidence regarding the soccer situation here on the island (and I know some of the people involved in it), I have more concerns. I’m also intrigued by the lack of response to Making Trouble in the comments – what does that indicate?

Yet I also believe we will see more bloggers on Bainbridge writing under pseudonyms so long as there is fear. When a small town is too small, we can suffocate each other. I hope our island can become a place where we can speak truth without fear, where we can put our faces behind our names and be truly who we are.

Postscript:

In the time that it’s taken me to polish and publish this draft, another Bainbridge blogger Emily Groff made the news with her link and post regarding former mayoral candidate Will Peddy’s appearance in a 1992 Fresno Bee piece. Thanks once again to Steven Gardner and the Sun for keeping up with the blogs, and for publishing and verifying Emily’s work! As Steven pointed out in his article Emily’s identity is interesting: her mother has been listed as a suspect by Peddy’s campaign manager for removing Peddy signs. Identity and context are key. I’m grateful for Emily’s bravery. And I hope others on the island are willing to follow in her footsteps, or blogsteps, as they may be.

Welcome to the following new bloggers on Bainbridge!

Making Trouble

Bainbridge to Somewhere

John Doerschuk, candidate for City Council, has a blog at with the title Bainbridge Island, nabbing the url 98110.blogspot.com

And welcome to Danielle blogging at Finding my Identity. I’m happy to welcome another stay-at-home-mom blogger on Bainbridge! And I like her url: stayathomemomonbainbridge.blogspot.com

Like Danielle, we recently discovered a tree frog, although this one was on our front door one evening, instead of bouncing around a car. Oh the hazards of island life!

And then to my dismay here comes this frog jumping right for me, while I am driving. I let out a meager little whimper and my daughter follows suit thinking all this is a game. The frog then decides that jumping on me may not be in his best interest lands on my steering wheel and turns around to jump on my dash. Now all I am thinking is, Danielle you are being so stupid, it is just a tiny little frog, but at the same time I am wondering where in the heck is my husband who likes these little guys.

Please continue to share your stories, Danielle, and all other bloggers on the island! And thanks to the Buzz for highlighting new bloggers!