JulieLeung.com: a life told in tidepools

Sunriver

One spring morning, I observed a strange social interaction while I was walking in downtown Bainbridge Island, along Winslow Way. Near the crosswalk in front of the grocery store, I noticed a few women starting a conversation as their paths intersected. Without “hi” or “hello”, as I remember, they suddenly started saying sentences such as “Peter’s going to UC Berkeley.” These mothers were sharing their children’s college decisions. There’s nothing wrong with that. But it was the way in which they spoke, without greeting each other or sharing other news, that concerned me. These women probably were not best friends. And they were probably at least good acquaintances. The state of their social relationship permitted and condoned this kind of conversation. I’m certainly missing some context. Yet I thought it was strange. I’ve heard that in certain Asian cultures, one of the first questions people ask each other is how much money they make. This conversation seemed to be a similar sizing up of status. Instead of money, though, it was college admissions that mattered to these women.

Sunday’s Seattle Times carried an article The Admissions Obsession describing the pressures of college admissions and also the mission of Lloyd Thacker, founder of the Education Conservancy. From the website:

The Education Conservancy helps students, colleges and high schools overcome commercial interference in college admissions. By affirming educational values, EC works to reestablish educational authority, equity and access as college admission precepts. It unites educational principles with admission practices. It returns control of college admissions to those who are directly involved in education: students, colleges, parents and high schools. It calms the frenzy and hype that plague contemporary college admissions.

What intrigued me most in the newspaper article were the following paragraphs, quoting both Thacker and MIT’s dean of admissions, Marilee Jones.

High school has become a means to an end, Thacker says, recalling the father who asked him what sport his 9-year-old should play in order to get into an Ivy League school. Playing the harp becomes a means to getting into Oberlin. Attending the summer soccer camp turns into a line item on the application to Stanford. Going to the Galapagos for the summer gets milked in the interview with MIT.

“The message to the kids is, ‘We don’t really care about you as a person,’ ” MIT’s Jones says. “We care about the product. The seal of approval is the college you’re admitted to. That says, ‘Yes that school district was good, yes, that parent was good.’ It’s not about the kid.’ “

The article continued: […]

His advice to parents on how to prepare a child for college is this: Turn off the television. Let them ride the bike to the park and play Kick the Can. Read to them. Eat dinner together. It’s a dreamy replay of Thacker’s youth, when he built skateboards out of 2-by-4s.

Parents ask, why should I pay $40,000 to send my child to Hobart and William Smith Colleges when she could go to Princeton?

Are you buying prestige, Thacker asks, or are you investing in your child’s education?

Marilee Jones’ words hit me with their power and truth. How often do we look for validation in our children? How much do we seek approval in our children’s success?

I confess I’ve cried over my children’s struggles. And yet I wonder whether I am crying for them or for myself. Probably some of both. Am I upset that they are having a hard time? Or am I concerned what others will think of me as a mom? And am I worried that already they aren’t headed to Harvard?

How many kids grow up with Thacker’s advice, turning off the tv and playing Kick the Can in the street? Which ones of us in the middle class can afford that simplicity? The clock starts ticking for the kids, the resume starts been written, at age nine, and perhaps earlier.

I fear that we as parents put too much of our self-worth into our children’s achievements. The acceptance letter from Harvard or Stanford proves to us that the eighteen years of sacrifices, the shuttling and chaffeuring, the preschools and piano lessons were justified. We want that “seal of approval” that says we were good parents, indeed.

Adding more danger to the mix is the fact that many parents may leave their invested careers in order to take care of their children. There’s a temptation, I think, to channel the intense professional skills and energy into family life and activities. Now that women and men have more choices, I also think it’s easy to want to demonstrate that we parents made the right decisions, by churning out children who are the cream of the crop.

I felt Kathy Sierra’s post Paul Graham: “Dignity is deadly” fit with this college admissions article. To translate and transfer what she says about business into the world of parenting is to say that we lose our authenticity when we try to “be somebody”. Dignity is deadly because we are letting go of who we are.

That this need to meet professional expectations restricts us… perhaps even more than it enables a higher level of… what? Profits? Business? Clients? Respect?

This need to meet expectations leads to suffocation. When we are striving to be someone, we are restricting ourselves and losing who we are. Maybe our kids will get admitted to a good college. But maybe they won’t know who they are then.

Yes, I know my own kids are no where near college. And for all I know, someday I will be one of those moms exchanging college information on a street corner. Yes, I’d be naive not to say it could happen to me.

But what I’d like to see emerge from these discussions of college admissions is the fact that we parents are to blame. I suppose it sounds like a Cold War scenario. Unilateral disarmament is a big risk. If we are the only ones to stop pursuing activities and goals, then our children will suffer while others achieve and receive rewards.

Yet as we seek that seal of approval, I think we parents have to ask ourselves what our goals are. What does it mean to be a good mom? How will I know if I am a good parent? Is it about me?

Or is it about her? Is it about helping each of my daughters become the woman she was meant to be, no matter who that is? Is it about embracing our children, as we received them, and finding where they fit in the world, whether that is at Harvard or the hardware store?

As our kids play Kick the Can, can we play with them? Even if that means kicking away our expectations?

On Tuesday, with friends, we visited Old Man House Park in Suquamish, with a view of Agate Pass Bridge connecting Bainbridge Island to the Kitsap Peninsula.

Sarah van Gelder wrote an excellent piece in the Yes magazine winter 2005 describing how this historical piece of land was recently returned to the Suquamish tribe.

The beach is covered with the smooth white shells of clams, which were once one of the staples of the Suquamish tribe’s diet.

While admiring the shoreline of Bainbridge, we also saw this militaristic metallic gray speed boat, flying the US flag at half-mast. (apologies for the poor picture).

In It doesn’t happen every day I mentioned Nancy Blakey’s Eagle Harbor Bookstore appearance on September 22 to talk about her essay on sex ed. I wasn’t able to be there but Chris Holmes once again lets me know how it was.

Jim Thomsen of the Kitsap Sun stopped by and left a comment on my post praising citizen journalists Bainbridge Buzz for their reporting on mayoral candidate Will Peddy’s resume. I am grateful for the Islander’s focus on blogging. Jim in fact was the one who profiled me for the paper last year.

Like Chris Holmes, I bid a fond farewell to Steve Gardner of the Islander who will now be covering other parts of the county for the Kitsap Sun. Steve has been reading and commenting on blogs, both on blog sites and in the paper itself. It’s been great to know he was listening.

Speaking of the Peddy campaign, I received an email of his concession speech. Did any other bloggers? The Buzz also posted it.

And speaking of the Buzz, I should disclose that last week Ted and I decided to become sponsors of the Buzz. If the future of community reporting and newspapers looks bleak, the Buzz offers one model of hope. For the past two elections, I’ve valued the Buzz’s contributions. And I realized I should finally put some money where my mouth has been.

Philippe Boucher who responded to Jim’s comment on my post has also written blog posts for each mayoral candidate. Nezam Toolee has already responded – perhaps he will begin blogging, with Philippe’s help!

On to lighter topics…a few people responded to my Bill Gates and barbers post by pointing out that perhaps the Microsoft founder himself suffered through a few bad haircuts. Adrian Sampson was one who commented, and I realized, had I been clever enough, I could have woven his wonderful hair-cutting animation into my defense of Open Source.

Thanks to everyone for reading and commenting!

Often as I look through the blogs in my aggregator, I find stories of birth and death, loss and love. As I read them all together it becomes a big picture of who we are as people, how we live as humans, a roller coaster ride through milestones of memories, from sorrow to joy, overwhelming, fun and refreshing all at once. Here’s a few I’ve seen recently:

Congratulations to Wendy and Joey on their wedding this past weekend! Of course, the big question is, what will happen to their wedblog? 😉 The couple has decided to post the transcript of their ceremony there – fun to read. I confess I was on Feedster Sunday morning searching for “Wendy Joey wedding”. Even Ethan Zuckerman’s slightly fuzzy photos show how happy they were. Wendy wrote: I seriously did not know it was possible to have that much fun in a huge white (ivory) dress.

Congratulations also to the writer of HadashiWorld who was also getting married this past weekend.

so please, i hope you’ll excuse the fact that HadashiWorld is going to be somewhat silent for a little while… i’ve got plans for the weekend.

While looking through blogs I discovered Mie, whom I met at BloggerCon III in the session I led on Emotional Life, got married at Burning Man! (by the way, I enjoy her bio that describes her bicultural identity.)

The creative blog evangelist Philippe Boucher has remembered his father by creating En souvenir de Louis Boucher. Although I don’t speak French, I can look at the posts and get glimpses of his father and family life.

Two other posts on death affected me this week:

Rod Kratchowill pointed to this piece in the New York Times by Joan Didion describing the loss of her husband After Life.

Freedom Girl, a blogger in Port Orchard, explained why she spent a week in Pittsburgh saying goodbye to an old friend.

I always love the new baby posts! Scott Koon’s daughter Amelia arrived last week. Congrats to everyone!