JulieLeung.com: a life told in tidepools

A few days ago I wrote a post describing my response to New York Metro’s article titled The Choir Boy



Since then, I’ve received comments on my blog. Also Lawrence Lessig has responded on his blog to the article that detailed his involvement with plaintiff John Hardwicke’s case against the American Boychoir School.

Lessig’s blog post



Lawrence Lessig (a must-read!) requested in his post (after I’d already written mine)

Three comments below, but first a plea: that we drop the H-word, and B-word from commentary about this. This is an important social issue because of how ordinary it is in fact; and we need it to be understood to be ordinary, so as to respond in ways that can check, and prevent it.

He later clarified that the h-word and b-word are hero and brave, two words I am guilty of using in my post. I think I see his point. Calling Lessig a hero implies that he is somehow inherently different from the many other men and women who have been abused. It could be easy to put him on a pedestal and thereby also qualify his behavior – his disclosure – as unique: he’s a hero while I’m not.

However, imagine a world where Lessig’s and Hardwicke’s honesty is not unique, not even meriting mention in the media. Imagine a world where everyone who has been abused feels free to talk about it. No shame, no secrets, no fears. Imagine a society without these taboos, a culture without repercussions for victims of molestation. Sometimes the only way to get to such a world is to begin to bring it into existence today with the words we choose.

On the one hand, it is clear that Lawrence Lessig has done something unusual and something that many people do not do. Use of the h-word and b-word can seem justified in describing his choices. He took a risk.

But what he says is true. It is ordinary. What happened to him can happen to anyone. It does happen to many. And the way he chose to respond, his openness and disclosure, is a way anyone can choose to respond.

Perhaps part of the pedestal in this situation is the fact of who Lessig is. He’s described in the article as a supernova, one of America’s most famous lawyers, with Harvard and Stanford on his resume, a graduate of private schools. This too is part of the fable, part of the taboos, and part of breaking the silence and stereotypes. Economic class, education, gender, none of these or other categories are accurate indicators. Anyone can be a victim of sexual abuse.

May we see the day soon when Lessig’s actions are not called courageous but instead seen as normal and ordinary.

Comments I received

Now I will respond to the excellent comments left on my post. I’ll publish them below, in the order which I received them.

Lisa Williams

Reading this made me wonder: How would I keep my own kids safe from something like this? The key to a pedophile’s success is getting the kid to keep the secret. How do you get a kid to be “secretproof”?

Kai Jones:

Lisa, you can’t. You can’t control everything; you can’t painproof your kids. Shit happens, then you deal with it somehow. Better to focus on good coping strategies, on flexibility, on learning to recover from hurtful experiences so they don’t define your life. Living well is the best revenge.

John Hardwicke

I am the plaintiff in the case against the American Boychoir.

Professor Lessig is truly very courageous and a real hero.

We’ve been fighting in New Jersey to be heard in the state’s courts, but New Jersey is one of three states that seems to protect non-profits from lawsuits by virtue of the state’s Charitable Immunity Act.

Victims have been waging a parallel battle in the legislature to have a bill posted that would end charitable immunity in cases of child sexual abuse, but we can’t get the Assembly Speaker, Albio Sires, to post the legislation.

It would be very helpful if we could flood Mr. Siries’ office with e-mails asking him to post the legislation for a vote. PLEASE e-mail the Assemblyman at:

asmsires@njleg.org

For more information:

www.FixTheLaw.org

www.AmericanBoyschoir.com

errorlevel

Larry Lessig is someone whom I greatly admire. One day, too, I would love to be able to stand before the Supreme Court and argue the Constitutional matters of my passions (which include Copyright law).

On the subject of “where was God?”, as an agnostic atheist, I don’t have much of an answer for you. However, my fiancée, a fairly devout Christian, who is a veteran of a childhood rape has a site where she has written about her experiences and also has a note from her pastor about the subject. You might be interested since it might address some of your questions: http://www.river-crossing.org/Jnote.php

John Hardwicke’s comment: connecting to the plaintiff

Mary Hodder read my post and noted how John Hardwicke, the plaintiff in the case, was able to comment and connect:

All of this connecting and pointing and commenting happened in 24 hours.. and it’s old hat for those who’ve blogged or played with RSS and link search for years. But remember. It’s amazing, and it’s never existed before, that people could connect in these ways we are now taking for granted. Taking things like this for granted is good, because we implictly build these practices into our social interactions, but don’t forget also that what is so valuable about the internet can be lost, if those who would regulate it and limit it have their way.

Mary is right; it is amazing and exciting to be able to connect. When I received the comment from John Hardwicke, I was surprised and not surprised at the same time. I’ve been blogging long enough to know anyone can stop by and read what I write. It’s also not surprising that John Hardwicke would be searching for posts. But as Mary noted, how long ago would this have happened, that I would read an article in New York magazine and then have a dialogue with one of the main subjects of the story? I noted that the website he left as a url is one that is similar to the school but a .com instead. When Googling for the school’s name, this alternate site comes up in the #2 position. I think this is a powerful way to use Google and the Internet in general to promote a message: what would parents and prospective students think? I’m curious – even though I am not a New Jersey resident, would my opinion matter if I sent an email for legislation?

Lisa William’s question: how can we keep our kids safe?

Lisa’s question is one that haunts parents. How can we help prevent our children from being abused? Kai has a point. It is true that we can’t prevent everything. Part of growing up, part of parenting and part of life as a whole is learning resilience and flexibility, finding grace and purpose to cope with what comes our way.

What makes kids secretproof? There are a variety of reasons why children keep quiet about abuse. I won’t claim that this list is extensive or covers every circumstance but here are some that come to mind.

1. The child is threatened with physical violence or other pain. errorlevel left a link to his fiancee’s page which contains her graphic story of rape at age 6.
2. The child has a sense of shame that keeps it secret. This is also illustrated in errorlevel’s fiancee’s story.
3. The child is too young, doesn’t understand what is happening or doesn’t know that abuse isn’t normal.
4. The child forgets or blocks out the abuse. Ross Cheit, a professor at Brown who discovered his own abuse years later has started the Recovered Memory Project.
5. There is distance, emotional or physical, or other, between the child and the adults who should be protectors (parents or others). Yes, sometimes the protectors are the abusers.
6. The child enjoys the relationship with the abuser and is receiving some sense of worth and/or love (or other benefits, safety) from the person. In the New York magazing article, Lessig is quoted: For a kid cut off from everyone else in this weird universe, to have the most important person in the world give you love and approval is the greatest thing you can imagine.

While researching possible answers to Lisa’s question I looked around on Google and discovered dangerous stereotypes. One site claimed that abusers were often older males who were popular in the community. However, I would be careful of accepting any profiles of pedophiles. Here in Washington state, the case of Mary Kay Letourneau, a teacher who started having sex with one of her former students when he was 12, has received attention, including the recent wedding of the two (he’s now 22 and she has served jail time for the relationship). Women as well as men can be abusers.

I can’t claim to be an expert on abuse prevention. And as Kai said, parents can’t prevent everything. One aspect that I meant to mention in my previous post in regards to responsibility was the fact that parents often blame themselves for their child’s abuse. It can be seen as a major failure and destroyer of identity, leading to deep depression. Parents as well as children may need counseling to work through the issues of guilt.

However, I do think that parents can be wise and cautious whenever they are able to choose their child’s schedule and companions. For many families, though, with both parents working and kids in school and activities it is difficult to know what is happening at all times.

One parenting book we have read recommended not allowing children to spend the night at someone else’s home. While this may be extreme, the authors of the book were concerned about pedophilia and other exposure to sexual activities (such as older siblings) that can happen when staying over night or for an extended time with others. This principle would also rule out summer camps and boarding schools. It may seem like throwing the baby out with the bath water, but it may also help prevent abuse by limiting opportunities.

Of course, abuse can happen at any time in any place from a restroom to a playground; it only takes a moment, minutes, to change a life. As Kai said, things happen and despite our culture of parents who are consumed with preventing anything bad from possibility, beginning with ultrasounds and Mozart music in the womb, we moms and dads learn quickly how little we can control.

So often we focus on success and perfection. These are noble goals. But as Kai pointed out, learning how to deal with hardship, how to respond when bad things happen, is an important process of life. Life won’t always be what we want or hope. I wish I knew how to handle difficulties with more strength. Teaching our children at a young age how to respond to stress and pain is valuable.

I believe the best preparation we can do as parents is to build strong relationships with our children. We should educate them from an early age about sexuality and protecting themselves, not out of fear and angst but from a holistic perspective and the organic ways questions and opportunities arise with inquisitive young children. Whether our kids go to camp and boarding school or stay in the neighborhood, we should try to build strong bridges of communication, being careful to cultivate listening and understanding, gentleness and grace. We want to be our children’s confidantes, as much as possible, as much as they let us, while also allowing other relationships in their lives. I hope my kids would come to me if anything happened and know I wouldn’t blame them or shame them, that I would welcome them with open arms and hugs. I hope that they will share their lives with us, and that we can have honest and open relationships in our family, real and raw as life is.

God forbid something should happen, but if it does, our kids would not be alone. There are many who have been molested, and many who have discovered grace and healing to go forward. Many who have used the brokenness in their lives to help others put pieces together. Many who have emerged from despair to hand out hope. Many who have been shaped by their oppression to bring freedom to a world enslaved.

Yes, there are many ordinary people.

***

As Robert Scoble said, there’s been lots of raw human stuff to read in the aggregator. It’s been an intense week, hard to know how to process at times, but also good.

Thanks again to Lawrence Lessig, to John Hardwicke, and to everyone who has commented, linked and responded.