JulieLeung.com: a life told in tidepools

Tuesday night I read Wink’s post on Cruel Words

But it is those unguarded moments, those slips of the tongue that let you know what another person really thinks.

and I also read Andrea at Atypical Weblog’s story of their Valentine’s day.

We also had what I will hereafter refer to as A Stupid Misunderstanding That Was All My Fault, which I don’t really want to get into details, and normally I would never even mention due to my own humiliation and embarrasment, and the need for you all to think well of me, but alas it is somewhat integral to the story.

(and here’s where I stop myself to say, in public even, Baby, I’m sorry. I am so sorry, truly sorry. I am indeed a dolt who does not think before she speaks, especially when tired. I love you more than anything.)

I thought to myself, as I read these stories about cruel words: That never happens to Ted and me!

Then it happened. That very night. I was up late. I said something to Ted. And the word that came out of my mouth was not pretty. Not the one I wanted to say. I wanted to take it back. Eat it. Swallow it. Gulp it down, make it gone for good.

But it was too late. The word lay there between us, given life by my lips.

It was too late, nearly 1 am, too late to try to talk about it. I feared I’d only make more mistakes. I said I was sorry and went to sleep crying.

For two days we didn’t have enough time or energy to talk about it. What had happened hung there between us. I feared I had ruined our relationship. I knew we’d always remember that moment when my lips slipped, when one word had revealed what I had thought.

Finally we talked. I wasn’t happy about what had happened. It was awkward to explain and I knew I had hurt him. But I was grateful Ted was willing to listen to me. I listened to him too. It wasn’t great but it was good.

I’m grateful for forgiveness and grace. What we give to each other. I’m grateful for the reminder and the chance to see inside myself: I’m not the perfect wife who always has wise words. I need to watch my speech but more than that, my heart for my husband. It’s one thing to watch my words – bite my tongue or change the phrase even as I say it, twisting my lips suddenly into other shapes – but better yet to change my attitudes and assumptions, letting go and letting Love judge instead of me. I don’t want whitewash that’s only a false facade.

For from the heart, the mouth speaks. Especially when I’m sleepy and lips slip.